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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 26, 2014 1:02am-1:34am PDT

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- that means they'll never be free to rape again. - it's over, it's over! - justice! [group sobbing] - they got 'em, - it's over! - i love you. - i love you, too! [all crying] - so wait, that's it? what about the chinese invasion? - i really don't care anymore, butters. you see, i've learned something today. as americans, our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. watching how crazy you went, watching you just shoot people in the dick like that, it made me realize that i want america to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. i'd rather us be chinese than a nation of unethical dick-shooters. you think about it. - i can't believe they put 'em in jail. i thought that movie was pretty good. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." i'm jon stewart. we got a good one tonight. our guest tonight, keira knightly, host of the news parody "the knightly show." i should just go now. i'm sorry. [laughter] let's begin tonight with some important news. republican senator thad cochran of mississippi and charlie
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rangel, 160 years of life between them, 86 elected years in office, aaaahhhh -- if they were one man, they would have been born in 1854. elected to congress in 1928. they would have died in 1944 and still held office for 70 more years. [laughter] and their name would have been tharly cockangel of the mississippi tharly cockangel's and the basis for the tv show, "tharly's cockangel's." both men were bailed out by
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african americans. it's the subject of tonight's "democalypse 2014: always bet on black." [laughter] obviously the african american vote is always important in charlie rangel's harlem and bronx district, but this year even more so because the 22-term incumbent -- 22-term incumbent -- his incumbency can now legally drink. the 22-term incumbent, an inventor of the famed front pant air bag technology, hello. i'm charlie rangel. do you wish the front of you looked more like the back of you? [laughter] buy my front butt pants. anyway, what are we talking about? oh, yes, the african american
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turnout mattered very much because rangel's district has a large dominican population, which rangel felt was very important to his challenger, adriano espaillat. >> he woke up one morning and found out there were more doe minute kansas in the bronx and his ambitions allowed him to believe he should be first dominican. just what the heck has he done besides saying he's dominican? [laughter] >> jon: like most old men, charlie rangel is racist. and i'm assuming likes soup. rangel won. he beat espaillat. but, of course, he apparently didn't know that last night when he wandered out onto the stage in front of his supporters to find out what was going on ... for about an hour. >> what percentage of the vote have you had reported that's in? what precinct location are they?
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i'm at what? >> 48. >> 48. so that means 20%... >> 49%/42%. and i'm up. we're up. >> 49% to 42%. >> 49% to 42%. >> i'm up. what should i do? >> jon: i don't know what you should do. well, i think now we all know what it's like... [cheering and applause] we all know now what it's like to go to the movies with charlie rangel. "what? why? wait. who is this? who is this sith lord and who is the... why is this one sword blue but the other's red? if they're brother and sister, why are they kissing?" how long was charlie rangel on stage? long enough for the earth to
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shift. [cheering] >> if you can just have the cameras sweep over -- >> whoa. >> jon: wrap it up! do you need more of a hint? the earth's tectonic plates are trying to play you off stage. [laughter] so two more years for charlie rangel to continue to pay off his dominican republic timeshare o -- i mean represent the good people of new york. of course, mississippi's republican senate primary, being dominican less of an issue. there voters had to consider the hard choice of whether establishment republican thad cochran or tea party challenger chris mcdaniel were better suited to go to washington and refuse to cooperate with the president. [laughter] it was an important race, but not as important as people would like you to believe. >> "time" magazine calls it "the
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battle for the soul of the g.o.p." >> not only are the eyes of the nation on this election tomorrow, but the eyes of the world will be on this election. >> jon: yes. if there is any event happening right now that the entire world is watching, it's the mississippi republican senate primary run-up. you know, it's interesting, around the globe people have gathered to watch with bated breath, here come the early results. there is nothing... there is no... oooooh! it's thad cochran, coooooooochran! thad cochran defeated mcdaniel, who won the initial primary but not by enough to avoid a run-off. so how did cochran beat him? >> cochran relied on black democrats to put him over the top. >> jon: that's right.
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thad cochran won the mississippi republican primary because of the support of black democrats. before you jump to the conclusion that black democrats think very highly of thad cochran, rent -- let me give you just a taste of his opponent, mcdaniel. >> chris mcdaniel apparently said there's no place for federal funding of schools here in mississippi. >> if they pass reparations and my taxes go up, i ain't paying taxes. >> mcdaniel has already keynoted a neo-confederate event. he's retweeted white supremacists. >> jon: well, now, in mcdaniel's defense, the white supremacist's twitter account had some extremely cute cat videos. ah. hey, everybody, look. everybody, it's kitler.
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you know, you'll always be meow fuhrer. clearly mcdaniel's candidacy caused a great deal of concern in mississippi's african american community. is there any way mcdaniel could begin his concession speech that could in every way confirm their concerns. >> let me say this: we fought. we had a dream. [audience reacts]. >> jon: oh, but unfortunately i was judged by the content of my character. and so it is that the nation's african americans have returned tharley cockangel to congress ♪ ♪
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check this out xbox, snap tv. it does two things at once so i can play games while i watch my favorite shows at the same time. whoa. xbox, record that. i just wish i had more time to play yo. xbox one now starting at $399. >> hey, welcome back. we're going to check in right now with some of our nation's hallowed institutions of higher learning. >> u.s. department of education is looking into whether sexual assault cases at james madison university have been mishandled. the investigation stems from a complaint filed by a former jmu student. she claims three fraternity brothers pulled off her bathing suit top during a spring break trip to florida last year, record the incident and then passed the tape around toars. >> jon: whoa. even the classic virginia safety school is no longer safe. [laughter] yeah, you've been to jmu, huh?
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this case is horrifying, but at least the woman has evidence, you know, video. most sexual assault cases are notoriously difficult to prove. often victims don't feel like they can come forward. there reason denials and appeals. this time the school cannot sweep this under the rug. so what is the punishment? >> all three students responsible for sexual assault and harassment expelled upon graduation. >> jon: yes! justice! wait a minute. expelled upon graduation? isn't that graduation? [laughter] >> they may not be on jmu's campus for any reason after graduation. >> jon: so no alumni tailgating or reunions or bringing your kids back to show them where you abused girls? my guess is those idiots went
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through worse punishment that's right fraternity initiation. james madison university will be the laughingstock of the country. >> 5 colleges under allegation -- 55 colleges under investigation. >> even if the school found the attacker guilty, they would get nothing harsher than writing a book report. >> jon: what the [bleeped]? are colleges trying to incentivize sexual abuse? the rest of us call 30 days off to write a book vacation. jordan klepper and jessica williams have come up with some campus safety do's and don'ts. guys, take it away. [cheering and applause] >> okay, bros. party commandment number one: beer before liquor, never been sicker. >> and lady, never lose sight of your drink ever. don't be a doofie. watch out for a roofie. >> this is a big one, guys:
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don't pass out on the couple of someone might draw like a dick on your face. >> yes, do not pass out on the couch, ladies. someone will put their dick on your face at a minimum. >> i meant... you know what, never mind. now, if you and your bros do get hammered, which you will -- nice -- friends don't let friends drive drunk. take a cab. you can pass out in the back. >> and also friends don't let friends stay at party drunk. girl, get her out of. there call a cab from an actual cab company with a web site, not some creepy guy with a yellow car. >> breath mintses -- >> i'm not done. don't get in a car with doors that lock automatically. ride with one hand on the door handle and one on your friend so you can break her fall yes f you need to jump and roll. >> chapstick. >> shut up. follow your route on google map. if the driver makes a weird left turn, call 991 and get ready to jump, girl.
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you in danger. >> yikes, if it's such hassle, why don't you just walk home. >> really? okay, ladies if you walk home, make sure you brought an overdote hide those gams. throw a blanket over your drunk friend. bring shoes you can run in. adopt a masculine gait. no earbuds. you might as well wear a sign that says, "i can't hear anything. tackle me from behind, please." make sure you get your keys out before you get to your apartment. and to make sure anyone within earshot doesn't know you live alone, open the door and shout "hon year, i'm home. ." >> bros before hoes. don't text your junk because nowadays potential employers will check social media -- >> oh, my god, that reminds me. my goodness, ladies if your crazy ex-won't stop texting you, pictures hoifs junk, save all of them, also any angry voice mails, weepy voice mails,
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threatening tweets. surveillance footage of him outside of your window. save it all. okay. the college and the cops won't do anything, but maybe it will help you with your civil suit. >> all right. okay. [cheering and applause] okay. let's be real. let's be real here, jessica. >> please. >> you're telling me women spend their whole day navigating an only course of sexual menace? >> pretty much. >> seriously. >> seriously. >> [bleeped]. sorry. but not always men are bad. some are still gentlemen. thank you very much. >> oh, okay. thanks. you know what, i'll keep that in mind next time a guy says he wants to lick my back when i'm walking to work at 8:00 in the [bleeped] morning. >> jon: jordan klepper and jessica williams. we'll be right back. so, you're saying we can't use these innertubes in the pool? sorry, sir. it's hotel policy. is it really hotel policy?
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i'm afraid so, sir. do it. how about now? woo-hoo! i deserve this. you deserve to be fired. full flavors, full shapes. cheetos mix-ups.
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[cheering and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. my gust tonight, she got a new movie out. it's called "begin again." >> i just think an a and r man telling an artist how the dress or come across is total bull [bleeped]. people don't want that. they want authenticity. >> okay, babe. give me the name of one artist that you think passes your authenticity test. >> dylan. >> dylan. that's the most cultivated artist you could have thought of. his hair, his sunglasses. he changes his look every decade. >> randy newman. >> love randy newman. you got me on that. >> jon: please welcome back to the program keira knightly. hello. how are you? nice to see you again. how are you? [cheering and applause] thanks for coming. >> thanks for having me. >> jon: how are you holding up with the world cup results? >> that was a cruel start, wasn't it? you just went straight for the jugular.
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how are you holding up? >> no, no, this was empathy. this was, here, do you want two drinks. >> thank you. yes. is it vodka? >> jon: we're accustomed in this country to not making it out of the group round, so for england, what can we do, because we have a special relationship, our countries. >> i've heard. >> jon: i cannot believe how... you're absolutely right. let's start again. here we go. i love the spice girls. [laughter] >> i love hot dogs. >> jon: when you come here, are the cultures... i have been to england once. >> yeah. >> jon: there is an anger underlying for american portion size that even strangers that i would meet, like where are you from, i'm from new york city, and the guy would be like,
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what's with the [bleeped] french fry portion, my man. like they would really... they were very upset about the amount of food that we give to people in restaurants. >> okay. does that come up in conversation? >> in england? yes, we're constantly talk about it. it's the only thing we talk about. it's because we're starving over there. >> jon: i can tell you what's weird? the only thing we talk about is america, too. >> we have that in common, so that's great. >> jon: we're a very important country. >> very, very. i've heard. yes. although china's doing rather well, isn't it. >> jon: who? >> don't know. don't worry. >> jon: from what i understand, we're maybe the most important country. >> good. >> jon: i don't want to say god created us to save mankind, but people do actually say that. >> okay. good. how's that going for you? >> jon: not very well. it gets us into a [bleeped] load of trouble. >> i heard, yeah. >> jon: this movie, you
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display talent that i had no idea... you are a lovely singer. >> thank you. >> jon: really good. but is that something... i've never known you did, that i never saw you do that before. >> i did it in one other movie in a very different style, but i have never sung like this, and i was just quite disappointed i didn't sound like adele. >> jon: really? >> well, when you're in the shower and you're singing and you think, i sound so good right. now i could ototally do that adele thing. then you get into a recording studio and it's like i can't do the adele thing. i can't. >> jon: somebody must have... you must have known the voice was good? you must have known... >> no, i wasn't given the songs until two days before i had to go into the studio. i'm not a singer. i don't know how to do this. so we just kind government in there and just went, okay, we have four days, this has to work. >> jon: that's sort of remarkable because when you auditioned to not have... that's a big gamble that took.
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you could have walked in and you did one of these. ♪ i love a parade [singing off key] it could have been a nightmare. >> you're right. next time maybe i'll do that. that could be great, as well. >> jon: you know what's wonderful about our interview? >> yeah. >> jon: it is reflective. i think of the entire relationship between our countries. >> really? this is worrying, isn't it? >> jon: no, no, no, it's i e-mail an ignorant asshole and you are very kindly putting up with me. i believe that that is the relationship. between our nations. that's how it feels. >> you've got it right here. >> jon: we've got it. we are the u.n. >> i'm bleep with a smile and so are you. >> jon: you know, when you are going to do this singing, is
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that something you will pursue? >> no. no. >> jon: oh. because you could. >> could i? i think not. now you're the one doing the bull [bleeped]. the diplomacy is going amazingly well. >> jon: did they... maybe i don't know this, did they manipulate the sound ?oift is that why it sounds like it sounds? >> i don't think they have. >> jon: so it's your voice? >> they told me it's my voice. >> jon: it's very good. if i had that ability, i would not be here. [laughter] >> where would you be? >> jon: i'd be wearing a white flower. i'd be there and you'd be here. you'd be an old jew and i'd be a wonderful performer. congratulations on the movie. >> thank you very much. >> jon: it's doing very, very well. it's in all these wonderful festivals. now it's opening in new york and los angeles friday and then all around the world july 2nd. >> yes.
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>> jon: did you see that? that's the international symbol for opening wine. keira, thank you so much for coming by. keira knightly, everybody. [cheering and applause] vo: once upon a time there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo: whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours refreshingly sweet and intense.d hard apple cider. and bursting with a crisp apple bite. so try a johnny appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow.
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